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The Useless Wizard

An alcoholic wizard with no spells, only rocks, must save his village from depraved monster hordes. Tactical action, chaotic weapon combos, and dark humor collide in this unique twist on the Vampire Survivors formula!

Steam Page
Developer
The Useless Dev
Publisher
The Useless Publisher
Release
October 24, 2025
281 days ago
Steam Reviews
Mostly Positive18 reviews77.8%

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Updated: Jul 14, 2026Developer scaleThe operating scale of the game's developer.
Updated: Jul 14, 2026Publisher scaleThe operating scale of the game's publisher.
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About the Game

The village is under attack. Grotesque monster hordes suddenly appear, and the villagers place their last hope in the only wizard around… an alcoholic retiree who knows absolutely no spells. His one and only weapon? Rocks. Lots of rocks.

In The Useless Wizard, absurd humor meets tactical action. Each “day” lasts 5 minutes, during which you must protect the village women from monsters. If they reach the left edge of the screen, they’ll carry one off, and if they’re all gone, you lose.

But even with nothing but stones, a true wizard can adapt. Upgrade your throws, stack dozens of ridiculous abilities, and unleash chaotic weapon combos that turn every run into total mayhem… often uncontrollable.

Key Features:

  • ⚔️ A tactical twist on Vampire Survivors: manage enemies on both horizontal and vertical planes.

  • 🪨 A pathetic yet lovable hero: an alcoholic wizard with no spells, armed only with rocks.

  • 😂 Absurd, tongue-in-cheek humor: silly monsters, bizarre abilities, and unpredictable situations.

  • 🔥 Unlimited combos: every upgrade stacks—no exceptions—leading to powerful, hilarious, and sometimes disastrous effects.

  • ⏳ Fast-paced sessions: survive “day” after “day,” 5 minutes each, with new enemies and bosses gaining powers over time.

Saving a village with a useless wizard might sound impossible. Maybe it is… but at least it’ll be hilarious.

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